Monday, March 14, 2011

you should read this i did

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100517235446AA5V57W

       this link answers the question     and this next paragragh i know its alot but it makes sense    i read about trust to and i understand it all but know you need to and this is a form of trust


When a cou­ple breaks up on ami­ca­ble terms the most com­mon phrase uttered at the end of the awk­ward break up con­ver­sa­tion is “I hope we can still be friends.” Excuse me while I choke on irony. Really friends? Friends don’t say things that break my heart, cause me to cry uncon­trol­lably and make me want to punch them in the throat, but I digress. In my expe­ri­ence friend­ship with an ex is only pos­si­ble if A) there are absolutely NO resid­ual feel­ings for one another other than pla­tonic feel­ings. B) enough time has passed that the hurt caused by the break up has become a dis­tant mem­ory. C) both par­ties are mature, actu­ally want a pla­tonic friend­ship with one another and have no plans to rekin­dle the flame. Once both exes have reached this point they can begin to start a friend­ship. And D) how could I for­get, the most impor­tant part, there is no more sex­ual ten­sion. This is by far the most dif­fi­cult part to accom­plish. It’s hard to go from see­ing this per­son naked to ask­ing how things are going with their new sig­nif­i­cant other. As long as you have A, B and C you can suc­ceed at meet­ing up with your ex with min­i­mal ten­sion. If D is not pos­si­ble avoid alcohol.
When ini­ti­at­ing plans to spend time with an ex as a friend there are some ground rules that should be fol­lowed for the first few times you spend time together. The first, do not make plans to hang out in the evening. It will feel like a date and a date with an ex turned friend is not the feel­ing you want to go for. Sec­ond, make sure you meet at the loca­tion. Do not meet at your place or theirs. It will no doubt bring back mem­o­ries of the rela­tion­ship. Third, set spe­cific time para­me­ters for hang­ing out and make plans with some­one else after. That way if it gets too awk­ward you have a way to escape. Fourth, don’t wear any­thing that has sen­ti­men­tal value to your past rela­tion­ship with said ex. I once had cof­fee with an ex and made the mis­take of wear­ing a neck­lace he had given me and the next thing you know it’s “You wore that cause you still love me didn’t you?”
The ideal sit­u­a­tion would be cof­fee or lunch in a fairly pub­lic place that holds no sen­ti­men­tal value to your you or your ex. Alco­hol is a slip­pery slope when it comes to spend­ing time with your ex. Yes it can calm your nerves if you are feel­ing uneasy about the sit­u­a­tion but it can also bring back feel­ings of nos­tal­gia or attrac­tion for your ex. One drink becomes two and then three and before you know it you and your ex are talk­ing about old times and mak­ing drunk poor choices and every­thing gets more com­pli­cated than it was before. I’m just saying…
If you or your ex are dat­ing some­one new when you hang out for the first time, try to keep the details at a min­i­mum or avoid the sub­ject. Even if you are both over one another and have moved on, it’s still a bit of an awk­ward thing to dis­cuss. In time you will be able to talk about your new rela­tion­ships with your ex. My ex even com­forted me when I broke up with the man I dated after him. But it took time for us to get to that point. If he had told me he was dat­ing some­one new the first time I saw him post break up, I’d prob­a­bly burst into tears in the mid­dle of the restau­rant. When hang­ing out with an ex for the first time no doubt the con­ver­sa­tion will turn to another sticky sub­ject; the break up. Try to avoid the sub­ject at all costs. What’s done is done, it’s in the past there is no use dis­cussing some­thing that was obvi­ously painful for one or both par­ties. Blame doesn’t need to be assigned, just let it go.
When part­ing ways with an ex after the first hang out a quick hug is all you need. There is a mal­adroit way to han­dle the sit­u­a­tion and there is a tact­ful way. Be brief and com­mit this to mem­ory: “It was great to see you, (insert name of your ex). I’m so glad we can remain friends. Let’s do this again some­time soon.” That’s it. Unless you don’t want to see them any­time soon and hang­ing out with them reminded you that the only rea­son you could spend time with them before was cause at least there was the poten­tial for sex, well then com­mit this to mem­ory. “It was good to see you, (insert name of ex). I’m glad there are no hard feel­ings. Take care.”
Start­ing a friend­ship with an ex is the begin­ning of the new rela­tion­ship. It’s not a down­grade from your past rela­tion­ship or a con­tin­u­a­tion. In some cases a cou­ple wasn’t friends before they dated so begin­ning a friend­ship is com­pletely new ter­ri­tory. My most recent ex and I were not friends before we dated and now we are good friends. It a com­pletely dif­fer­ent ball game. Bound­aries have to be estab­lished, pet names have to be erased from your ver­nac­u­lar, cer­tain activ­i­ties are out of the ques­tion, etc. A new kind of trust has to be estab­lished as the friend­ship devel­ops. If you and your ex were friends before the roman­tic rela­tion­ship then it is a lot eas­ier to return to a state of normalcy.
The most impor­tant thing in start­ing a friend­ship with an ex is patience. A real friend­ship like the one you have with your pla­tonic friends is not going to hap­pen over night with an ex. In fact you may hang out a few times and find that it’s too dif­fi­cult to see them. Time has to pass and wounds have to heal. I have stood in my exes liv­ing room and sud­denly begun to cry while attempt­ing to watch a foot­ball game with him on TV over pizza and beer. Now I could watch a foot­ball game with him with his new girl­friend and not bat an eye­lash. Time, matu­rity and patience are the most vital ingre­di­ents when befriend­ing an ex.
In the end, see­ing your ex for the first time after a break up is a tricky sit­u­a­tion and equally uncom­fort­able for both par­ties involved. But when han­dled with matu­rity and mutual respect it can be the start of a beau­ti­ful friend­ship. Or it can be a won­der­ful reminder of why that per­son is your ex.

9 comments:

  1. i know it is a form of trust too but our trust needs to get much more strong before you can even think about doing that and you know that...even though i'll be there you know that its still so hard..

    you also do something that i don't think you even realize that you do..

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  2. and what is it that i do? explain?

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  3. its always been like this and you might not see it that way but like its not just that you wont let her go but she's the only person you wont let go. anyone else if i had asked you not to talk to them you would say okay and eventually i wouldnt have to worry about them anymore but you always let her stay around...no matter what i do, you always make an exception for her. when you make promises about her, you forget them, when you make rules about her you take them away. you've messed up with a couple of people and accepted the consequences for it but you messed up with her and wouldnt accept the consequences...i don't say "i never win" for no reason babe..
    you've said it before, that you know she'll never be over you and that you know she thinks about you every single day and i know it too, but you still want to see her and be her friend as if that wont affect it...you said she always made you mad and stress you out and that you cant stand her and she gets on your nerves and she hurt you and messed you up so bad but you still want her in your life and no matter what i do and i've done it all you wont let it go and always in some way you wont let her go for us.. you know that it takes a toll on us..

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  4. you might love her one more time..
    the last 2 times you saw her, even though it was at her job..you loved her all over again and you told me..
    i cant have that happen again..

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  5. no im hoping that when i see her i change..so it can all be over..and ill never have to worry again

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  6. and you know what i mean (change)

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  7. but what if you cant.. what if you don't change :'( the thought tears me apart and i dont want the deja vu.. i had a dream last night and i dont want it to happen..

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  8. ok well as of right now i wont see her but well talk this out later baby i love you boo muah

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